Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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