I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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