The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
