I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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