You don't have asthma, your pregnant
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
