its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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