he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
