Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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