the condom got lost in my hair
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
