If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
