I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
