All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
