Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
