Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
