Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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