i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
