Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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