You really coming over, don't trick.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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