He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
