So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
