I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
