Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
