All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
