your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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