Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
