just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
