Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
