The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
