In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you still have your period?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
