My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
