I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
