Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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