dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
