just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
