Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
