i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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