I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
