so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
