The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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