I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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