Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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