Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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