i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
