ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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