Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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