i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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