It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
