Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
