Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
