Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
