i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
