How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
