so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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