this beer tastes like vomit already
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
