I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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