Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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