i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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