I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
