i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
